


Healings, Major and Minor

by Louffox



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Dark, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Support, Graphic descriptions of violence, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Triggers, Violence, angry, lots of picnics, relationships take effort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-12 23:10:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11747154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Louffox/pseuds/Louffox
Summary: An open heart is a lovely, terrible thing to be. Like an exposed nerve. Vulnerable and raw, electric and overwhelming.Relationships take a lot of work. Not just trying to make time for each other, work through opposing careers and lifestyles, but sharing burdens as well.





	1. Were You Ever Going To Tell Me?

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably a mistake.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING. Take heed. This story will contain graphic description of self harm, anger, emotional turmoil, sadness, depression, self loathing, and everything else that goes hand in hand with this particular topic. I suppose I've never been good at turning my back on the taboo. If you're looking for a happy story full of fluff and joy, I suggest you look somewhere else. This has been some mix of cleansing and agonizing to write, and I've no idea what it's going to be like for you folks to read, so tread carefully.
> 
> Timeline is nonspecific, but Magnus and Alec are pre-established and the other relationships may be in flux. Also, I read the books, but it was a long time ago and I haven't had the time nor the library access to re-read them, so I don't expect there to be spoilers from those, but I apologize if there are. I don't have an update schedule for this at the moment, but I'll likely add a new chapter every week.

Magnus knew about repression and suppression and dysphoria and all the other lovely three-or-more-syllable words that came with all the rest of the homosexual baggage. Oh boy, did he know. Born centuries ago as he was… well. If people thought tradition was tough these days, they really didn’t have a clue.

 

So he knew that Alexander had winding road of emotion ahead of him, and there was probably a lot more behind him as well. It made his heart hurt to think about. Though he understood his case was different- he was bisexual, and though he did get to have all the fun confusion through adolescence and puberty and his youth about why he felt such powerful attraction to men, he still experienced the societally deemed ‘normal’ attraction to women. For Alec, not only would he have struggled with his attraction to men, but his lack of attraction to women. And… Magnus hated to compare, because pain was all relative and each being experienced it differently, but he felt he could empathize with familial rejection as well.

 

(Sometimes he wanted to be resentful. Alexander’s parents were monsters, but they still were there, raising him the best they knew how, lovelessly but still endowing him with values of strength and fortitude and loyalty. Magnus’s parents were… one literally was a monster, and the other called him the monster and committed suicide. At his pettiest moments, he wanted to tell Alec at least he had what little he did. At his better moments, he was just glad their strange paths had intersected, despite their parents and the world and everything else that seemed to want to keep them apart. And he was proud of both himself and Alec for shoving the Lightwoods’ bigotry right in their horrified faces.)

 

He knew how unstable and unsure one’s sense of self could be when they found out they were queer.

 

So he was patient with Alexander, but he also knew the difference between giving space to reflect and ignoring a genuine problem.

 

“You can take tomorrow off. The tours are done, all the teachers are at the institute so it’s well guarded, the students are completely exhausted- and you deserve a day home.  _ I _ deserve a day with you home.” He stuck out his bottom lip in an exaggerated pout.

 

Alexander was scratching the back of his head in that attractive way he did. (Who was he kidding, everything he did was attractive. Even his champagne burps were attractive. It was unfair how effortlessly he stayed attractive, honestly.) 

 

“I mean… what if the students notice I’m gone?”

 

“They’ll be glad you’ve vanished, I’m sure they’ll think they’re doing a spectacular job hiding from you as they sneak into the weapons room and do minor seances. Kid stuff. They’ll be fine. You know who won’t be fine? Me, if you don’t relax and spend some time with me. And you, because I’m petty and vengeful and greedy for my boyfriend.”

 

Alec grinned. “Who am I to wound the institute’s connections with the High Warlock of Brooklyn?”

 

“Mmmm. I like it when you say my titles.”

 

“Titles? Any others I should add in there?”

 

“I’m a Prince, you know.”

 

Alec’s eyes moved back up to meet his. They had been decidedly locked on his lips for a bit, which pleased Magnus.

 

“What, really? Prince of what?”

 

Magnus gave him that easy smile, the one that came with a smooth joke to glaze over something more severe. It was a smile both were good at. “Oh, lots of things. Prince of the charango. Prince of martinis. Prince of the bedroom. Hedonism. Glitter. All the best things.”

 

They had gotten closer together. Magnus was pretty sure he’d done that. He was tall, but Alec was taller still. He liked that a lot. Alec’s breath ghosted over the bridge of his nose, the bow of his lip.

 

“Those aren’t real kingdoms.”

 

Coy as ever. He loved it when Alec was graceless and blunt. He was perfect in so many ways, the awkwardness and un-suave-ness was charming.

 

“That’s no way to talk to a Prince,” Magnus whispered, closing the gap and kissing him firmly on the mouth.

 

The distance between them was gone. Alec didn’t tend to bob and weave like some lovers. He stood straight and ducked his head a bit, but let his entire body be pressed flush against Magnus, from shins to thighs to stomach to chest. He was reliable and solid, unwavering as rock. 

 

“I don’t know. I mean, I want to slee- stay the night, I… I really d-do, I just…” he stammered, and there it was. The look of worry, of something holding him back. This wasn’t Alec not being ready, this was an issue they needed to address. 

 

“Alexander,” Magnus said gently, putting a gentle finger under his chin, tilting his face back up. “If you’re not ready, if you don’t want physical things yet, that’s absolutely fine. I can wait until you’re ready- even if you’re never ready, I’ll still love you. Okay?”

 

“I- yeah, okay.”

 

“But. I also need you to be honest. I think- and please correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t think I am but even I make mistakes sometimes- I think you’re trying to hide something. There’s something keeping you back. I think you want this. A lot,” he said with a low chuckle, and okay, his hand slid down a bit and gave his butt a little squeeze, enjoying how the Shadowhunter’s hips reflexively surged against his. “I want you to have what you want. I want to work through whatever’s holding you back. I want to help you work through this… but I don’t want to push you, either.”

 

Alec was looking down at him with pained eyes. “I do. I really do want this, I want to do everything with you. And… you know I’ve never… not ever before. This is all new to me. But it’s not just that, I mean, that makes me nervous, but….” He huffed out a breath and scrubbed his hand over his face. Magnus decided to let him think it over, get his words working, but he didn’t feel like standing there waiting, so he went back to kissing him.

 

Alec groaned low and long against his mouth, and Magnus smiled. 

 

“You make it hard to think,” he grumbled half heartedly against the warlock’s lips.

 

“That’s not the only thing that’s h-,”

 

Alec didn’t let him finish, stealing his cheesy line right off his tongue.

 

“Okay. I… okay, I really don’t want to stop, but I’m not... “

 

“Not ready? I didn’t plan on taking you right to home base on the first inning, darling.”

 

“No, that’s not it, I… can we just… lights off?” he asked, grimacing a little.

 

So Magnus was right. It wasn’t totally first time nerves holding him back, it was something else.

 

But he was being given an opportunity and it was a gift, so he wasn’t going to look it in the mouth. He’d have the discussion later. He snapped his fingers and the loft went dark.

 

Alec smiled and went back to kissing him, pulling him gently toward the bed.

 

They both went crashing over the coffee table and only their inhuman reflexes kept them from going sprawling and getting hurt.

 

Magnus snapped his fingers and the lights were back on, revealing that he’d lost his grip on Alec and was now embracing the couch, and the Shadowhunter had somehow gone right over the back of the couch.

 

“Maybe we get to bed, then turn the lights off,” Magnus suggested. “I thought shadowhunters had excellent night vision, even without an activated rune, but I’ve heard all sorts of exaggerations and shouldn’t be surprised at one more.”

 

“My eyes weren’t exactly open. I wasn’t really paying attention to the room,” Alec confessed. Magnus grinned at him, delighted.

 

“Good. I never said I wasn’t attention seeking. Now, bed.”

 

They got to the bed without any concussions and Magnus snapped the lights out once again.

 

This seemed to work for them for a while. Alexander was inexperienced (Magnus was actually his first ever kiss, something that took him ages to admit, and Magnus was absolutely charmed,) but a quick study, ever the attentive student, and as a young healthy man, he had keen instinct as well.

 

Magnus tried to bring it up a few times, with no success. They still kept the lights off whenever they messed around. It was pretty clear that Alec wouldn’t tolerate visible nudity.

 

Over dinner one night, Magnus finally asked. It had been haunting him ever since it occurred to him, days ago, and he’d slept unwell ever since. He felt terrible. It was obvious. It wasn’t the first time it had happened, or the second or third, but… he’d half hoped Alexander was above all the fear and disgust.

 

“I know I lose my glamour when I’m all riled up, so… I enchanted a bangle with glamour. It works for six hours before it breaks, but I fueled it with energy so it should stay on even when I’m… distracted. I’m sorry I’m not… normal,” he said in a rush. He was usually the confident one, but this was a very sore spot for him. He found he couldn’t meet Alexander’s eyes.

 

“What?” he asked, looking puzzled. Magnus smiled sadly at him.

 

“Thank you for being so discreet about it. And not bringing it up. I should’ve thought about it, I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out. It’s very… polite… of you. To not outright say it. I guess.”

 

One brow went up, and that wide expressive mouth twisted with confusion. “Magnus, I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.”

 

“My… my demon’s mark. Well, marks, plural, I tend to forget about the navel thing. I included that in the bangle’s glamour, too, because I wasn’t sure which was the offputting one.”

 

“Your marks? Magnus, I seriously don’t know what you’re going on about. What about your marks?”

 

Magnus tilted his head. “I know you think they’re horrifying. Or disgusting. Or scary. Or… whatever kind of turn-off they are.”

 

“Why in the Angel’s name would I think your marks are turn-offs?”

 

Now Magnus was a little irritated. “I’m not a child, you don’t have to spare my feelings. I’m not all that fragile, I know you’re the high and mighty shadowhunter and the head of the institute at that, but I’m not a weak link here. I know you want the lights off so you don’t have to see my marks.”

 

Alec stared at him, lips slightly parted, brows high, for a long moment, before standing so quickly his chair nearly tipped over. He took both Magnus’s hands.

 

“Which one is the bangle?”

 

“The silver with the malachite stones.” Magnus shook his right wrist a little to indicate.

 

Alec gently wrapped his fingers around it and deftly unthreaded it from Magnus’s arm. He walked over to the kitchen and dropped it in the garbage.

 

“What the hell?” Magnus cried. “That was an antique! And I put a lot of work into that glamour!”

 

“Magnus, I’m so sorry you thought the lights off thing was about your marks. It’s not, it’s really not, not even a little. I… I actually think they’re really sexy. Like, not a turn-off. Your eyes are… unbearably hot. Seriously, whenever you’re doing really powerful magic for the institute or clave or whoever and you flash your eyes, I just want to- to do everything to you. It’s actually made for a few awkward situations.”

 

Magnus blinked at him. He wanted to really appreciate the fact that the perfect cold prude soldier shadowhunter just admitted that Magnus’s eyes gave him badly timed boners, but he was trying to piece together everything else.

 

“You don’t… you…”

 

“I’m so sorry you believed I didn’t like your marks. I love them, I love every part of you. And I’m really sorry that people haven’t loved them in the past. You deserve better than that. I’m sorry.” He leaned in and kissed Magnus’s forehead, then each of his eyelids, then his mouth, just once. “Do you want me to get the bracelet out of the garbage?”

 

“Fuck the bracelet. Don’t you dare take a step away from me.” He tugged the shadowhunter down to kneel between his legs, wrapped both hands around his face, and kissed him hard. He felt like he could burn the whole city down, or levitate it all into the sky. He felt like he was in the sky.  _ Alexander liked his marks. _

 

_ Alexander thought his marks were  _ hot.

 

Alec was running his hands up and down Magnus’s thighs, and he decided dinner was done. But…

 

“If it’s not my marks, what is it?”

 

Alec ducked his head, burying his nose in Magnus’s neck. “I don’t want to deal with it yet. I just want to make you feel good.”

 

“I… well. That sounds agreeable… but we’re going to revisit this.”

 

Alec only hummed, licking his way down Magnus’s collarbone.

 

They were too busy with other things to readdress the light issue. Magnus simply darkened the room and let himself ravage and be ravaged.

 

When Magnus finally revisited the issue, it was under very different circumstances.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got some messages about this being a sensitive topic. Yes, it is. It really really is. Which is a bit why I'm writing it- it's something people feel they can't talk about. And I will absolutely not romanticize this in any way. If I do, let me know so I can fix it. It's not something sweet or cute or fuzzy feeling. It's really a terrible thing. So please read carefully and take care of yourselves!

When Magnus finally revisited the issue, it was under very different circumstances.

 

Isabelle and Jace had carried Alec in to his flat, made sure Magnus could handle the healing, and then went back out into the field because apparently something was on fire and there were demons and the carrot-headed girl was in trouble. Again.

 

Magnus wasn’t really listening. Alec had taken a deep wound just below his kidney, and may have shattered his pelvis. There was blood and screaming. Magnus cut his clothes off him with a few quick flicks of a knife, wanting to save all his magic for healing. When he’d met this generation of shadowhunters, he’d not been a very good healer. He had gotten very good very fast.

 

Muscle was knit together, skin and flesh regrowing and pinching together. The bones were fused and smoothed and rearranged. The blood was replenished. Magnus felt decidedly sick when it was done. His head spun and his nose was bleeding, adding to the mess on his floor (he’d had a carpet when he’d first befriended the shadowhunters, but it was long gone by now,) and his skin felt both hot and cold.

 

He laid his head on Alec’s chest. The shadowhunter had finally stopped screaming and had passed out. His breathing was slow and rhythmic, his body repaired. Magnus needed a bit of repairing himself.

 

He slept.

 

When he woke, he was warm, if a bit stiff. Was he sleeping on the floor? Alec was here, that was okay, but they really should’ve gotten in bed, or at least made it to the couch.

 

His hands and one cheek were a little sticky. Not the fun kind of sticky. Dried blood sticky, and it flaked off his face as he sat up. A smoothie and a sandwich would be just what he needed to replenish himself enough to use magic and clean everything up.

 

Alec was still sleeping, but Magnus shifting was waking him up. He sighed, stretching a little.

 

He was completely naked, and when he realized, it was already too late.

 

Magnus was running his finger over them, from hip nearly to the top of his knees. He wanted to count them, but there were far too many. They weren’t vivid and dark like his runes, but white or pink. Some were smooth and straight, some seemed knotted and jagged, and in places where too many intersected, a faint divot was present.

 

Alec scrambled back, away from Magnus, drawing his knees up and folding himself to hide them.

 

Scars. Hundreds of them. Maybe thousands.

 

They weren’t from a battle he’d fought with anyone by his side. A solitary fight, where the only aid and enemy were one and the same. Himself.

 

“Oh, Alexander,” Magnus sighed, letting his hands drop to the floor beside him. Inside him, and old sadness opened up, aching and gaping.

 

“Shit. Shit. I…. dammit. Magnus, I’m…. shit.” Alec scrubbed a hand over his face, hard, eyes wide and a little wild.

 

“Did you think you were going to hide it forever?”

 

“I... I don’t know.”

 

Magnus looked at him sadly, then stood, picking up Alec’s pants and repairing them with a spark as he did. He walked over and offered them to Alec.

 

“I’m going to order us smoothies and something to eat, any special requests?”

 

Alec stared at him, mute.

 

“I’ll stick to the basics, something healthy- you lost a lot of blood. We need a picnic. You can wash up first, I’ll pack a basket.” With that, Magnus grabbed his phone and wandered into the kitchen. He had a favor to call in. After a long minute, he heard Alec moving to the bathroom.

 

It took him a long time to come back out, long enough that Magnus had packed and repacked their basket twice, portaled across the city to collect a favor (his magic was almost depleted, and he called in an old debt to take some energy and refuel), changed his mind twice about the picnic blanket and thrice about the location, and recoloured his hair from red to blue.

 

Alec looked nervous, so Magnus simply let the silence remain. He kissed his cheek and took his hand and led him into a portal.

 

Alec surveyed the area as Magnus laid out the chunky crochet blanket and sat down, crossing his legs and leaning back on his elbows. It was sunny and breezy, quiet but the sound of gulls and finches.

 

“Where are we?” Alec asked, sitting beside Magnus.

 

“Lamoine. Tiny backwoods town on the coast of Maine. Far enough from the tourist trap harbors to have some space to ourselves.”

 

“This is really nice,” Alec said, nodding and looking around. They were on a small knoll that gradually descended to the ocean, turning to a smooth stone beach as it went. A few docks reached out into the water, but they were farther down the beach. A few worn looking fishing boats drifted out in the harbor, and the ocean stretched far into the horizon. The sun was bright and the water glittered, and a breeze came across it in surprisingly cold fits and starts.

 

Magnus snapped and made a complicated gesture to put up wards for sight and sound. Though they were alone on the shore, he liked the guarantee of privacy. 

 

“So,” he said, picking up a strawberry from the basket and carefully tearing off the hull.

 

“So…” Alec repeated. Magnus huffed.

 

“I need you to say it.”

 

“I… I don't know how.”

 

“I know what you've done. I want you to say it, and I want you to acknowledge all the reasons it's so damn hard to say it. Is it horror? Disgust? Are you embarrassed? Angry? Ashamed? Because you should be all of those. Alexander. It's not cute or sad or romantic. It's awful and you should never, ever, ever do that.” His voice was cold, but not unkind.

 

“Mags. I'm … I'm really sorry.”

 

“Please don't mistake my hate for you. I love you, Alexander. I love you so much. I just… hate the disease, not the person, right? I love you. I hate that you've gone through this.”

 

Alec leaned back on his elbows, looking across the ocean. His inky hair jagged across his temple and curled slightly at his nape, his hazel eyes caught the sun like amber and syrup, his lips were bite-red and parted slightly. Magnus drank him in with his eyes, wanting nothing more than to worship him, body and soul, bring a smile to that mouth, pleasure to those eyes. He wants to cover him with himself, lie across him like a blanket, protect him from the world. He wanted to abandon their conversation and shower him in the love he deserved.

 

But this dark thing, the stain on his soul and scars on his skin… they needed to be treated before it all festered and poisoned them both.

 

“I want you to be okay.”

 

A muscle was jumping in Alec’s jaw. “I want to be okay,” he said, voice rough.

 

“Then talk to me. Fight it. I'll fight with you. Help me help you. Please.”

 

“I don't even know where to start.”

 

“At the beginning. How did this all start?”

 

Alec nodded slowly. He was still looking out at the ocean. Magnus wanted him to look at him, but he knew how hard it was to admit something like this to the eyes of someone you cared about. It killed him that Alec couldn't face him, but he knew they had to do this.

 

“I was… I dunno, eleven or twelve? I was training with Jace. I kept losing. And he was good about it. My parents were fine with it too, they saw how hard I was trying and knew that though Jace had a sort of natural skill, I had determination, and I would study and train until I was as good as him. They praised me for not giving up. It was… nothing bad happened. Nobody did anything wrong. And… it just … I'm pathetic, Magnus, there's no reason for me to do this. I'm not depressed or suicidal, I don't have a history of abuse, I have people who love me. My life is better than most people’s. I shouldn't need to do it, but….

 

“I had been feeling angry and frustrated, even though everyone was praising me and everything was good. I just felt… like I couldn't be contained. I felt combustible. Pressurized. I was angry at myself for not being good enough, and everyone's kindness and pity all sort of proved that I would never be amazing, they didn't expect me to be good at anything. They accepted me being mediocre because they knew I would never be anything but mediocre, and I just… I couldn't sleep. I paced around my room all night, I remember I was literally shaking with… something. I knew something big was going to happen.

 

“And I just wanted it to happen already. I don't know what drove me to it. I was clenching my fists, and digging my nails into my palms, and I just… I realized I wanted to tear into my palms, I was disappointed- so disappointed, always- that I couldn't even do that, my nails were too short, so I… I grabbed a knife. Just a small training throwing knife. And I… the back of my hand. I don't know why, it was just there. It barely even bled, it was shallow and… you don't realize how hard it is to overcome the instinct to live and be safe and fine and… 

 

“But I did it. I felt such a rush. I cut open my whole hand, all over it, getting deeper with each cut. I felt like I was finally doing something powerful. It was like a revelation - all of life and all the lives in it, natural selection and family and fighting and war and love, it's all to try and stay unharmed, to protect yourself and your family. Like… thousands of years of life has all been about trying to avoid getting hurt. It's the most primal, basic prerogative. Millions of lives, thousands of years, all my ancestors, fighting to avoid harm. And I just… spurned it all. I did the opposite. I felt like I was looking back at everything and everyone that contributed to my existence, and spitting in its face. It was a powerful feeling.

 

“I felt like I found something I was good at. I felt like I could push past anything. Cutting made me feel… unstoppable. Transcendent. I could fight harder, fiercer, without fear. Pain wasn't the enemy, it only made me stronger. If I got injured in a fight, I fought better for it. I flipped the rules. Pain made me strong, not weak. Everyone noticed, too. Jace is still the best, or whatever, but I wasn't a weak link- actually, the only one who could really contest me was Jace, and we were parabatai, so it doesn't even matter.

 

“And the cutting… it was my cure all. I cut when I was feeling like I wasn't strong enough. I cut when I did something embarrassing. I cut when I was angry, or tired, or sad. Someone died? Cut. Jace snapped at you? Cut. Isabelle got hurt in a battle? Cut. Demon got away? Cut. I even did it when I was happy, sometimes. Like the same way you like a glass of wine at the end of a good day.

 

“I only used an iratze to heal visible cuts. I preferred to let them last a while, heal slowly, burn and itch for days, and I couldn't do that on my arms or chest much. Occasionally, I could get away with one or two and pass it off as a battle wound, but usually I stuck to my thighs and hips. I just… I knew that if I ever wanted to be with someone, they would find out, but I figured that would never happen. And that made me sad, and I cut more.

 

“And then you came along.” He finally paused and looked at Magnus, a small smile on his lips, but his eyes were sad. “I knew I was fucked. I wanted you so bad, but I knew that if I tried to… you'd find out. Our relationship already has so much strain. I'm a shadowhunter, you're a downworlder, my parents hate you, the clave hates us both, homophobia is a huge problem, I'm really inexperienced, and bad at communicating, and I lash out at people, and I've got a weird relationship with my parabatai, and I'm not confident like you, and I'm mortal, and I don't even like martinis…. Honestly, you should've left me a long while ago and I expect this is the final straw. Like, almost all the pressure on our relationship comes from me. It’s kind of all my fault, and don’t you dare try and act like it isn’t. If you were dating anyone else, it wouldn’t be… like this. And you signed up for all that, sure, but you didn’t sign up for this.

 

“If you're… if you think you can't leave because I'm unstable or I'll kill myself or something, don't. Don't hang around to try and protect me or some bull. I'm not a kid, I can handle it, and you're not responsible for me. You don't…. You can't feel obliged to stick around because of this. I'll be fine.”

 

“ _ Alexander _ ,” Magnus said sharply. The Shadowhunter flinched, looking surprised. “I am  _ not _ leaving you.”

 

“But… Mags, you put up with so much of my shit. This isn’t- I can’t ask you to carry this baggage too.”

 

“Why don’t you let me decide that? You can’t make this decision for me. I’ll share the load, hell, I’d carry it all if just to have another date with you.” Magnus carefully lifted his hand and cupped Alec’s cheek. “I love you. I love you so much it barely feels real. I’m not going to leave you. We’re going to work through this.”

 

Alec sighed, closing his eyes and leaning into Magnus’s hand. “I… I have to quit, don’t I?”

 

“I… I would never dream of telling you what to do. But… you hurting yourself… it hurts me. When you’re in a relationship like this, you share so much, and that includes pain.”

 

Alec turned to press a kiss to Magnus’s palm. “I’ve never actually tried to quit before.”

 

“How… how often do you do it?”

 

“It’s inconsistent. Sometimes I’ll go for a couple months without doing it. Sometimes it’s multiple times a day,” he said with a wince. Magnus sighed. “That’s pretty rare, though. It’s… On average, probably two times a week?”

 

“I need you to- hm. We both know you’re the strong silent type. And- honestly, this is the longest monologue I’ve ever heard from you. Even more than your movie fight versus real fight argument with Jace,” he said, the corner of his mouth lifting. “But I need you to talk to me. When you’re… when you want to do it. Normally, I’d ask you to call me and ask for help when you need, but I know you well enough to know you probably wouldn’t.” Alec looked abashed, but in agreement. “So here’s something more simple.”

 

He studied both hands for a second, then plucked a ring from one of his fingers. It was a simple band of onyx, without stones or designs. He closed it in his palm for a moment, reciting an incantation and feeding a bit of magic into it. It burned hot in his hand for an instant, then cooled to be only slightly warmer than the air around it.

 

He offered it to Alec. “These were all the rage before cell phones. Now people prefer to talk, but this avoids any awkward conversation or embarrassment. It’s easy to chicken out of a phone call, but this- all you have to do is twist it around your finger thrice, and I will know you need me.”

 

Alec took it and examined it. Then he blushed and looked at Magnus from under his lashes, suddenly bashful. “You’re giving me a ring.”

 

Now Magnus was blushing too. He should’ve given him a bracelet or amulet or something. “I- uh- sorry. A bit forward of me, but it’s not… it’s just…”

 

Alec flashed a grin and pecked him on the lips. “I’m just teasing.” He tried to put it on the middle finger of his left hand and got it stuck on the second knuckle.

 

“Here. Let me,” Magnus said, reaching for his hand with his hands, and reaching for the ring with his magic. It grew warm and flexed to the right size, and Magnus slid it on fully. Alec rubbed his thumb over the inside of it thoughtfully. It remained slightly warmer than the air.

 

“Thanks. That’s… a really good idea. I- you’re right, I probably would have a really hard time calling. This is easier, somehow. Saves me from trying to find the right words. But… you really still want to be with me? Doesn’t this change things?”

 

“Of course,” Magus said easily. He took a strawberry from their neglected picnic and carefully pulled the green hull off, staining his fingers slightly with the juice as he did. “But that’s what serious relationships do. They take effort. And they’re dynamic, they change. People change. We’re not static beings. Change happens- it’s unnatural for it to not happen. Situations, opinions, actions, locations, jobs, friends, family- those all change and so do the bonds within it all. It’s okay. It’s not a bad thing.” He held up the strawberry, and Alec accepted it with his hands, rolling it over his palm before placing it in his mouth. His stomach immediately rumbled, and Magnus giggled.

 

“I had like… stress stomach ache so bad. And now that everything is in the open, and you’re still here, and you’re going to help… By the Angel, I’m hungry,” Alec laughed.

 

“Good, because I packed one hell of a picnic.” He snapped his fingers, and it unpacked around them- shrimp and cocktail sauce, berries of all sorts, tiny rolls of ham and cheese, carrots and hummus, crackers and tomato dip. Finger food fit for lovers. Alec grabbed one of the strawberries and went to hand it to Magnus, but he bit into it directly from his hand, and Alec’s face lit up with that wide smile.

 

Magnus offered him a shrimp, and Alec followed suit, accepting it with his mouth rather than taking it with his fingers.

 

“We’re going to be okay, Alec. I can’t see the future, but I don’t believe in a world that exists without us being together, loving each other and being okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants to talk, find me on tumblr with the pseud thefauxfox and I'll be in touch! This kind of stuff happens. We need to not turn a blind eye. We need to support and love each other as best as we can.
> 
> Also, I am not a therapist, I have very limited psychology education and am absolutely not a professional. I do have a degree in biological engineering so I'm not a total idiot, but I do acknowledge that some of this might be out of my understanding.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a few other Shadowhunters shorts written, so check out my works to see those- most are much happier. Also, I have a tumblr under the pseud thefauxfox so feel free to come say hi there too.


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